certain parts, you cannot have

You know, I’ve said goodbye to you 3 times already. Secretly I did, when you weren’t looking. We’ve all got secrets, now you’ve one of mine

I never told you, goodbye, because I just wanted to be sure, be sure that you’d be okay
(if I stuck around)

The first time I said goodbye was when we first met. I thought it was too honest, too sober, but you tasted like Rum and so we both got drunk instead.

Then, when you went away for a week, I thought here is my chance to save you the trouble, so I made fists and prepared to go away for a week upon your return. Only, there was a day between us and you came over. You opened my fist and handed pineapple pancakes and tummy turning laughter. The next day I went away for a week, and missed you.Recently before I could stop you, I was reminded of a cause and effect, a before and an after, I was reminded of where I’ve been and where I refuse to go. I would wait until tomorrow to say it.

We drank coffee and talked. We were quiet.

I sat you down on a chair in the kitchen and I traced the red of your scalp hidden inside all of your thick hair. I looked over you, but never at you.
Your body was foreign and I handled you like a test of my will (I failed)

Fumbling my fingertips, my eyes glued to the linoleum while pulling lint off my tights I said, “There are certain parts of me you cannot have.”

Looking right at me you said,
“I understand, there is no making up for emotion that is stolen”

So
I
never told you, goodbye, because I just wanted to be sure, be sure that you’d be okay
(if I stuck around)