the lights are pretty.

I was raised on ritual. Each breathe, it seemed a prayer. I still believe in intrinsic human goodness but I think my faith, faith in things uncertain, faith for things bigger than face value in part (a big part) caused my downfall. I always thought, “things have to get better now” until they didn’t and I just needed to step out of that pseudo sanctuary. These days I am so far removed that I smirk thinking about how I barely made it out of that, again. Now, I hold my cards close to my chest not because I live defensively but because most of my honest emotion, my true emotion has been spent and I am only trying to keep what’s left safe. I have changed very much over who I once was- a mental paradigm shift. This time of year I see now how I stand out (or at least feel the goofy paranoia).No, I don’t stand out physically. I am pretty average and as my father would say “count your blessings that you’re average). In a long sleeve shirt I could fit in just about anywhere. Most of the time, I’m impermeable, clear, calm. Logic is uncomplicated and easy for me to follow. I may not be a great leader but I am for certain, a decent follower. But this time a year my speech, my thoughts, my actions are clumsy at best. Underneath the shirt, the skin, the bones I nervously wait for the holidays to fall into the quieter days, the ho-hum months. It like the holidays, the traditions, the rituals have the power to hold me up in a light that I am not comfortable in only to examine me for long enough to tell me Hallmark did not send one addressed to me. Oh woe, oh woe…pity makes me ugly and I hate to ruin perfectly good day so I make it look like I am busy, not just standing around waiting for some great celebration.

I make blueprints of my thoughts and plan for a future similar to my past and search frantically for simplicity.

Maybe one day I will laugh and remember what it is in Turkey that makes you sleepy and bring it up after a holiday dinner.